Metta – Loving-kindness

 

It hit me all at once. A domino effect of emotions flowing through my entire system. I can feel the process of death happening within. Metaphysically speaking of course. The Self I knew and was attached to was dying. A rebirth was taking place. Partially by a Universal force and partially by my own awareness. 

Prior to my trip to Tulum, my mind and body felt off. Once I returned I got really ill. An illness that lasted a month! In and out of the hospital. With no answers. Just test after test. (Currently, looking deeper into why there’s free fluid outside of where it should be in my pelvic area). 

In the midst of feeling ill, I had to pack and leave my sacred space. My sanctuary. My home. Packing and leaving took a toll on me. More than I realized it would. All I kept thinking about was all I could not control. Wishing I was better. Wishing I was still “home”. Wishing I can sleep well. Wishing, Wishing, wishing. This created so much struggle within. Soon I realized that home truly and literally is where the heart lives. But, I can’t lie, I’m going to miss shooting my videos in that amazing foyer! IJS…Lol!

Self-acceptance ||

The greatest gift I gave myself during this time was the space to love myself exactly where I was. In my suffering. I accepted myself right in the middle of my pain. Purging when I needed to and giving so much love to my heart. I meditated deeper. Practiced Qi Gong. Exercised a little. Smiled. And, most importantly, I appreciated every moment the Creator gifted me with. 

One of the mediation practices that helped me (and is still helping me) was Metta Meditation (also known as Metta Bhavana).

Metta means love (in a non-romantic way). It also means benevolence, good will, friendliness and kindness. Hence, loving-kindness. Metta derives from the Pali word friend. Bhavana usually mean meditation, cultivation, or development. I will explain more about Metta Bhavana in a later post. 

Here’s a simple Metta mantra I would mindfully send to myself:

May I be filled with loving-kindness.

May I be well in mind and body.

May I be free from all internal and external harm.

May I be at ease and at peace.

I would repeat this to myself and then say these words mindfully towards a loved one, someone who hurt me, a stranger and the Earth.

Thank you for reading. May you be well in mind and body. Filled with loving-kindness, at ease, peaceful and free from all internal and external harm.

Asé

Intuitive Healing

Confusion turned to clarity
Finally, I stopped blaming me
There’s duality to everything once I stopped playing victim
And looked at both ends of the spectrum
I can’t really say that I found beauty in this tragedy
All I can do is heal and remember to breathe

To my partner, thank you
for being my strength when I felt weak
blessed to have you by my side the whole way through

 

The signs were so similar; cramping, lower back pain, and bloating. I was just waiting for my cycle to come.  I  would constantly check my period app and thought,“I’m not that late.”  There were so many occurrences happening at once. I was working my 9-5, teaching my Mat Pilates class, studying for another certification, and training my client.  I was so oblivious to the thought of being pregnant. Then I started craving meat! I wanted jerk chicken, curry goat, and shrimp – fried shrimp, jerk shrimp, shrimp scampi – I wanted everything that was out of my diet! I was no longer fitting into my bras (which by the way I enjoyed very much) and blamed my water system for making me feel nauseous. I never thought, or maybe, I didn’t want to believe that there was a possibility that I could be pregnant.

One day during my lunch break, I decided to take a pregnancy test. I live walking distance from my job and conveniently near a pharmacy. I went home and followed the directions that came with the test accordingly. Those 30 seconds felt like eternity! Then, what looked like magic, appeared two lines on the stick. I cried. I cried because I was scared AF! A baby?! How?! I mean we all know how, but throughout my entire relationship we have always been so careful. I guess I should take out that “so”.

Why did this happen now during this very moment where I would be making a huge transformation in my life? The thought of having a baby was no where near my radar. There was not one ounce of baby fever floating inside of me. One minute I thought my career was over and the next I thought how my little bundle of joy would be my motivation to work even harder. Literally those thoughts enter my mind and left once I realized I had 10 minutes to get back to work.

I went to the doctor a couple of days after finding out about my shocking news.  I think deep down inside I needed extra confirmation and I was a bit concern about the cramping and spotting I have been experiencing. The doctor gave me a sonogram and a heart beat was there. I was able to see this white colored peanut shape on the black screen. Being present in the moment, I smiled and placed my hand over my stomach. I couldn’t stop looking at my confirmation on the screen. There was actually something growing inside of me! They also checked my hCG levels and told me I had to retest my levels two days after. I did just that. On that day, however, clouds hovered over me. My levels were not only lower than where it should be at 9 weeks but were also dropping instead of doubling up. I retested two more times and was diagnosed with threatened miscarriage or threatened abortion. I immediately started to blame myself and believed that my thoughts about not being ready for this pregnancy caused us to go through this unfortunate situation.  It felt like each day I was losing more of my pregnancy symptoms. All I wanted was for my symptoms to stay. I was put on pelvic bed rest and did my best to take it easy… but it wasn’t enough.

I remember the day being very cloudy. Snow started falling while I was making my way back home. Everything around me sounded as if I was under water; mumbles I guess. I felt empty. I was tired. I was hungry. I was upset. I was sad. I was numbed. I went straight into the shower as soon as I entered my apartment. I took off my clothes, turned on the water and stepped into the tub.  I grabbed my soap and began to wash my body.  Once I reached my stomach, it felt like I stopped breathing. I think I almost did. It felt like my chest was shriveling up like a raisin. “Breathe. Please Breathe.”  There was nothing there. There was nothing inside of my tummy anymore.  I made it to 11 weeks and 3 days.

The doctors pointed out that I had a few fibroids inside and around my uterus. Again, I started to blame myself. “had I just changed my diet sooner.”, “I should’ve taken the test sooner, I could have avoided all the internal stresses.”, “if I knew sooner I could have started prenatal care earlier.” and many more mental punches.

But time allowed me to heal.

I feel better and I’m on a mission to shrink these fibroids holistically. I’m not sure what caused me to have these complications. I do know that I want to create a healthier environment for my next pregnancy. I want to be well within. And I will be. They say things happen for a reason and I’m pretty sure I know my reasons for this experience.

To all the women who have experienced a pregnancy loss, I send you love and positive vibes. To all the men who were by their woman’s side, you are very much appreciated.

 

Love + Light

DS

Crystal Spotlight│Garnet

I’ve been vibing with this beautiful stone all month.  Garnet is a root chakra stone and can also be associated with the heart chakra.  Garnet is also my birthstone so it was only right to spend some quality time with it! Below is a list of special properties associated with Garnet.

• Energy booster
• Protective energy
• Grounding
• Enhances positive emotions
• Love and passion
• Helps with depression
• Build creativity
• Stimulate the sense

How I used this stone

• During my meditation – I would set my intention on how I want the stone to help me
• Placed near my bed at night
• Placed on my alter so the energy can float around my apartment
• Carried it around in my purse

What are your experiences with Garnet? Let me know below!